christmas

I've been home for two days now... and I could not be happier. I have spent 95% of my time in my pajamas. I wake up every morning from my bed on the couch to loud conversations and people watching TV around me, but it doesn't seem to bother me. The last two months i've been waiting and wishing this break would get here cause all I wanted to do was get out of college station. Now it's here, and it's everything i wanted. I love reading books with Ellie and shopping with Mom. crafts with Cambreeeeah and ...well nothing with Daniel cause i'm not a pro at video games, thus cutting me out of his social circle. I'm so thankful for these people and for the family God gave me.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I have and will embrace it with everything in me. Hot chocolate, baking goodies, fires, decorations, lights, wrapping presents, TONS of festive music, and sitting around the house all day long. I LOVE IT. The fact that i'm about to start my last semester of college has only magnified the little things in life that i take for granted, so this post is just a little reflection of that lesson.

Joey is incredibly excited about the holidays as well.

Shout out to my LLF ♥

letter fifteen

This might not be a letter, but it's the words of my heart right now.

I refuse to be quiet.

I refuse to take my time for granted.

I refuse to let my joy be taken from me.

I refuse to let others dictate my heart.

I refuse to look back with regret.

I refuse to be held back from what i desire.

I'm growing.

I'm being stretched.

I'm called out of my comfort zone.

I'm my own person.

I know what I want and I wont settle anymore.

I'm okay with not being loved in this world because I know that I am loved by Someone bigger.

I've been taught so much about perspective in the last 6 months. I've been broken and defeated, desperate on my knees, only to have the Lord give me a big fat slap in the face of perspective. Realizing that what I mourn for is selfish and incomplete. When i step back and understand this world and my place in it as a complete tool and servanthood for my God, what else matters? The people around me will fall away and the things I consider dear might not last, but in eternity I will be fulfilled. I can't even begin to explain the ways I have changed during this last year, from the best and worst of experiences. I know that when I wake up every morning and feel like I have no constant, it doesn't matter because this world doesn't matter. I want to love others like I am called to, I want to live my life worthy of my Savior, and I feel like He is dragging me closer to the point of willingness to let everything else in my life go to make that happen. Revealing my dependencies and lack of trust, I have no choice but to cling to Him. How beautiful is that moment when the desperation clears, and I realize that I have no desire to return to what I once considered my rocks. He is enough. I love the change, and I embrace the person He is making me to be, because I know that it is more of a reflection of Him than when I try on my own.

I'm ready to be taken into this world, leaving behind what it offers, and chasing something Better.

letter fourteen

Dear Roomie (Heather Tolleson)'s Future Husband: thanks for completely making my day

http://www.todaysbigthing.com/music/2010/11/11

letter thirteen

Dear Sweet Savior: Thank you for continuously reminding me of the prayers You have answered in my life, specifically in these last couple weeks. Every time I open my journal and read back through the pages, i am humbled and blessed beyond belief. Your grace and redemption is perfect. Teach me to be compassionate and reflective of your PERFECT love. Dear Ellie: Every time I call home and you answer "hey girlfrieeenddd" I laugh and have a wonderful day. You're a beautiful bundle of joy. Dear Leggings as Pants: I will never leave the house wearing you, but just between us you are suuuuper comfortable. Dear Christmas Crafts, Baking, and Apparel: HERE I COME. Dear Best Fran: I loved your hat today, you're precious. Dear Roomie: I love when you wear glasses just cause they're cute.

letter twelve

Dear Yesterday: You were by far the worst day I have had in LONG time. It's a funny story now, and I'm glad that Jesus gave me joy to laugh as things went wrong, but seriously let's not have it be that bad for a while k? Dear Rangers: It's time. Dear Finance Test: Prepare to get dominated tonight. Dear Mommy: Thank you for hanging out with me all day Saturday, I hope I can be as wonderful as you someday. It's such a blessing to have a mom that is first on my list to call everyday. I love you! Dear Semester: You're half over. ballin! Dear Jelly Bean: You're precious, and I love all your pictures and voicemails. This week i've been constantly reminded of the absolutely beautiful picture you are of how much Christ loves us. Can't believe it's been 6 years since I met you.

Where I will be hanging out all day studying:

letter eleven

Dear Friday: you are a breath of fresh air. Dear Mommy: you have no idea how excited i am that you are coming to hang out with me tomorrow. thanks for being the best in the world and answering your phone every day when i call. Dear Drama, Secrets, Gossip, Immaturity, and Selfishness: not to be harsh, but I'm freaking done playing your games. you will not control my world anymore. so sorry! Dear Future: I will not be scared of you. I will be myself, I will say what I think, I will love the things I love and be okay with that. I will know that my sweet Jesus is the only One in the world that will be with me forever no matter who or what I have to leave behind.

letter ten

Dear Absolutely Wonderful, Beautiful, Cool, Breezy Texas Weather: PLEASE stay forever. Dear Creepy Subway Worker: I know i've been there twice in the last week, but you reminding me that you remember every detail about what I was wearing last time completely weirds me out. Dear Savior: Most of my life consists of me feeling lost, broken, and clueless. It's refreshing to know that in You, I don't have to feel that way. Dear Papers: I'm going to just quit writing you soon, how bad can not graduating be? Dear Scary Movies: It's because of you that I have ran from my car to my front door every time I've gotten home after dark this week. I'm not sure why I continue watching you, but it probably won't stop. Dear Watermelon Sour Patch: Best. Snack. Ever.

letter nine

Dear Tests, Papers, Quizzes, and Presentations: I don't know if you are aware of this but you really are completely ruining my week, making me lose sleep, and causing me to not have any fun at all. Dear Handstands: Thanks for being a super awesome way to take a study break. Dear Sweet Jesus: I am so incredibly unworthy of everything You are to me, so thanks for being my best friend anyways. Help me to always speak up when I need to, kick my pride in the butt, and love others like You love us. Dear Wil Group: I can't wait for us all to be friends forever. I love you girls already. Dear Caffeine: Oh boy, we're gonna have a party these next few days.

letter eight

Dear Weekend: It really makes me sad how quickly you passed by, but thank you for providing me with lots of fun, laughter, friends, and smiles. Dear Peggy: I promise we'll hang out this week, Im sorry for neglecting you recently. Dear Anth 404: You are by far the most challenging class I've ever been a part of, but I really am excited about being challenged and learning to love people that are so obviously different from me. Dear Roommates: You are daily a source of joy and encouragement to me and I am constantly thanking the Lord for you in my life. Dear Jordan Walters: I miss you. Dear Father: Help me to stand out, to be different, to live for the desires of Your heart and not the desires of this world. It is a daily struggle for me to put Your plans above my own, but I want to live by faith and continuously resting in the peace that comes with Your Truth.

letter seven

Dear Weather: I want to play in the rain! If you could make the tornadoes go away I would feel a lot more comfortable, k thanks. Dear School: I'm officially already tired of you. Dear Future WIL group: I'm really really really excited to meet you. Let's all be best friends k? Dear Youknowwho: I could really use a wish right now. Dear 7th and 8th grade FBC youth girls: You are all HILARIOUS. I want to hang out with you all the time. How you can be so immature and mature at the same time is still confusing me. Dear Savior: Once again you turned my suffering into joy and my mourning into dancing. I will forever praise you for the incredible Peace you bring.

letter six

Dear Beautiful Friend: our talk yesterday was such a blessing and joy to me. let's please please please have these more often. i need you in my life. Dear Rain: While i enjoy the fact that you make it not so darn hot in College Station, I do NOT enjoy the fact that you chose to play when I was riding my bike home. Dear Peggy: You're my favorite source of transportation. Dear LebronJamesEgo on Twitter: You make me laugh everyday. Dear Incredible Father: You're all I need.

letter five

Dear Joy of the Lord: thank you for being bigger than my insecurities. Dear Peace of our Savior: Thank you for comforting beyond my fears. Dear Grace of God: Thank you for being better than my mistakes and failures. Dear Sweet Jesus: thank you for loving me despite my brokenness, stupidity, high states of emotions, and attachment to this corrupted world. Dear Tomorrow: thank you for being a new day full of new life, surprises, stories, and friends... despite that fact that you happen to be a Monday.

letter four

Dear Friday: You're my favorite. Dear Texas A&M: Please consider re-paving all your roads, it would help us bike riders out considerably. Dear Friend: Thanks for cutting your mullet. Also, you make me laugh a lot. Friends forever? Dear Bedroom: Clean yourself fool. Dear National-Wear-Your-School-Colors Day: Sorry I missed the memo. Dear Jesus: I'm sorry that I choose to ignore you sometimes. Thanks for always being bigger and better than my pride and failures. I'm ready to be stretched, grown, changed, and challenged this semester.

letter three

Dear Roommates: Your surprise you-know-what's came in the mail today. I can't wait to see what they look like! Come home soon. Dear Booch: You're my new favorite bed-couch and I plan on spending lots of my days lounging on you. Dear Bike Seat: I wish you were more comfortable, my booty is not appreciative right now. Dear Regret: You suck. Dear Ellie: I miss you so much, come hang out with me soon. We can play dress-up. You're the best 8 year old in the whole wide world. Dear Savior: I'm desperately in need of Your Peace.

letter two

Dear Culture of Women Prof: I don't appreciate the fact that 2 days into the semester I already feel overwhelmed by how much reading you are choosing to throw at me. I just felt the need to express that to you. Dear Freshman I hit on my bike yesterday: I'm sorry. Dear Disc Golf: I felt really good about how well I played your game today. It's the little things in life that bring us joy sometimes. Dear friends: I'm so lucky to know people who understand my humor. Dear Jesus: You are teaching me some crazy things right now, and I have to say it hasn't been the easiest week... but I trust You and I am so stinkin thankful to have a Savior so full of grace.

letter one

this blog post and probably many to come will be inspired by todaysletters.com

check it out. they are precious and witty and a wonderful depiction of love.

Dear Best Friend: i'm going to try to be better about blogging this semester, partly just for my sanity and a good break from studying. please hold me accountable. also, i want to be the best maid of honor ever, so if that means you have to be bridezilla, go for it. Dear Bike: please stop giving me blisters, i hate you already. Dear Professors: I don't want to be in class, you don't seem to enjoy teaching very much, so maybe we can just compromise and have an easy semester? Dear Roommates: I love you so much. I can't promise to always be emotionally stable or in a good mood, but know that you are both my favorites. Let's be friends forever.

grace

Our God is BIG. He is so faithful. He desires our hearts, He desires our lives. How we ever choose to run away from Him baffles me. It is so sad that our pride and selfish desires distract us from the only thing that can truly satisfy us.

I have been so humbled and convicted of this in the last couple weeks, and the way I have seen God's grace and mercy in my life makes me want to cry. When we are weak, He is strong. That sounds so simple, so easy. It's not. Literally when we feel like falling apart, He delights in being that strength. HE fills holes, HE heals wounds, HE speaks truth, HE brings joy. When we feel like no one cares or understands, the One who knows our heart inside and out is there. He is comfort, peace, and rest.

I think sometimes I get so caught up in my worldly securities and relationships that in order for me to see how much I need Him, He takes them away. We are lost without our Savior, literally lost. I try so hard to make plans and fix things my own way, that my pride completely blinds me to the freedom that comes when we surrender ourselves to Him.

You raise me beyond the skies, into a city of eternal light
Looking down on the stars, I fly into heaven, caught up in your arms

I Breathe Your fragrance, taste your goodness,
Crumble to pieces
Into Your love
In Your presence all my existence
Crumbles to pieces
Into Your love

I’m speechless what can I say
Words become tears
As You wipe them away
All my kisses and crowns at your feet
Fire of heaven burn love over me

It’s such a beautiful story
I’m face to face with the King of glory

You rescued someone unworthy, I know this is love

Make me more like You, Lord. break me, use me, devastate my life.

rest

It's been a while. Spring break came and went, and the hardest week of my life then proceeded to begin. I got back to college station at 3 am on monday morning, slept for a few hours, and then dove into a week full of tests, papers, and assignments. I feel like i've barely had time to breathe. Im sitting in a coffee shop right now completely fed up with my comm 325 notes, and decided to take a break and look at some pictures from the last week. Here are some of my favorites from my adventure in san francisco. enjoy.

What a nice rest to sit and remember the stories that went with these pictures. All i really want to do right now is curl up and fall asleep and dream about summer. I feel overwhelmed with school and life. Sometimes it's tiring always being the positive, encouraging, optimistic one. I feel like i try so hard to have a good attitude every day and smooth things over cause I'm such a fixer. I don't think people understand how hard that is. When I'm surrounded by negativity i just want to run away. I just want to be the one that gets to be in a bad mood and feel supported sometimes. Especially this week.

beach

i've decided that everyone is either a beach or mountains person. you either like the waves, sand, and sun or nature, view, and snow.

i am DEFINITELY a beach person. while i have an appreciation for the mountains and would be perfectly happy living in a small cabin in the woods with trees all around and no human to be seen, my ideal paradise exists next to an ocean.

i love love love sand in my hair, sand in my toes, sand all around. putting on some sunglasses, grabbing a towel, a good book, and spending the day listening to the waves.

california girl at heart right here. it just feels free.

flying

picture of the day.

or maybe picture of my life.

snow

today was the perfect day for hot chocolate.

i decided that in order to really appreciate snow, you must play in it.

"Oh! the snow, the beautiful snow, Filling the sky and earth below, Over the housetops, over the street, Over the heads of the people you meet. Dancing, Flirting, Skimming along."

ellie

let me tell you about one of my favorite people in the whole entire world. she's funny, creative, witty, joyful, and one of the most loving people i've ever met. she also celebrated her 8th birthday on saturday. i first met ellie a month before my 14th birthday. she came to our house in an ugly dress, huge light-up shoes, and matted hair. shyly she explored our house without making a sound. barely able to sit up by herself, she maneuvered her way around using the furniture for support. i remember being so nervous and wondering if this little girl would ever smile. if you have met ellie in the last 4 or 5 years, this description of her probably seems unimaginable, but at the time all she knew was pain and abandonment. coming from an incredible broken background, all that precious little girl knew was hurt, bruises, and lies. she was incredibly sensitive and distrusting of men, and it took weeks and weeks for her to even be comfortable in the same room as my dad. it broke my heart to see someone that little associate such pain with a figure that is supposed to bring protection and safety.

when she was 3 1/2 years old, my family got the incredible privilege of adopting ellie into our lives for forever. in the last 5 years, the person that ellie has become is truly a depiction of the Lord's incredible grace. my little sister is sweet, compassionate, crazy, fun, and so aware of how God has changed her from broken to beautiful. i can't imagine my life without her, and she seriously teaches me something new every day. as i celebrated her birthday with her and all her friends this weekend, i was again reminded of how the Lord completely changed my heart through ellie and her story. He has given me such a heart for the broken, a desire to see lost hearts changed in countries around the world, and a dream to adopt my own someday. i am so incredibly thankful for ellie and the impact she had made on my family and my life.

old

reminiscing on when i used to be good at photography...

dream

" Throw your dream into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country."

sometimes it's good to just let go. forget school. forget tests. forget your problems. take a breath and a step back. look for opportunities and reasons to smile. pay attention to details. stop running through life without noticing the things around you. you never realize how refreshing having a good attitude can be until you try. it helps. that checklist of a hundred things will still be there when you get back, but your outlook on how to accomplish those things will be completely different. be creative with your life!

valentines

I'm not a valentine's day girl. Never have been, probably never will be. Single or not, it's never been a holiday I celebrate with much enthusiasm. I guess i've always seen it as a publicized way to tell someone you care about them, which I think you should do every day anyways.

Valentine's day isn't about just saying "i love you" or a dozen roses. love to me is about actions. the original Valentine was a Roman Christian martyred for witnessing to his prison guards. As he was led to his death he wrote a note to the jailer's daughter signing it "from your Valentine." How ironic is it that this candy filled, cupid adorned, card infested holiday originated from a witness of our loving Savior. As he was led to death, he chose his last words to reflect on how he loved our Lord enough to die. It always amazes me that our God can be seen and reflected even in a celebration we focus around ourselves.

Growing up my mom used to take us to a nursing home by our house around this time of year and we would pass out candy and sing old songs to the people in the wheelchairs and hospital beds. I remember always leaving feeling really sad for those lonely hearts who didn't have anyone to come eat jello with them. It also made me thankful though. Thankful for the people in my life that I knew loved me and would always take care of me.

There are people in my life that I love, and then there are people in my life that I love. when I think about actions that reflect love, one person sticks out in my mind far above the rest. my dad is not a man of many words, he is painfully awkward to have a phone conversation with, and we don't even really have a lot in common. That said, I have never ever once in my entire life doubted his love for me. When I'm home he fills my car up with gas, when I'm away he fills up my bank account. The reason I'm in college today is because he started saving money for my tuition before I even decided to go. When I'm upset I call him and he reasons with my tears. When I'm happy I call him and he tells me how proud he is of me. He models what it means to have a relationship with Christ. He's the reason I have such high standards for the man I'm going to marry. He never fails to tell me I deserve the best. I love him.

I know that when most people think of February 14th, they don't think of their dads, but I guess this was just my excuse to express my thankfulness to him. He will probably never see this, but if anything it will remind me to tell him how much he means to me.

This picture is from one of the best moments of my life. My dad baptized me in the Georgetown River when I was 11 years old, and my life hasn't been the same since.

Maybe this post won't mean anything to you, but I hope that if nothing else you take from it that love is more than words, candy, or presents.

When you're spending time with your sweethearts today, tell them how thankful you are for their friendship and love.

Happy Valentines Day.

love

my two beautiful valentines

i love them.

free

today i went swing dancing for 5 hours. my feet hurt.

there is something really freeing about being spun, twirled, and twisted around with no control over what's coming your way.

i loved it.

new goal in life: be brave and try new things.

beginning

when i was 14 i started a blog. sometimes i look back on those old entries and remember furiously typing my emotions out thinking it would fix everything. life seemed like such a big deal back then.

today i was inspired to start anew. my beautiful best friend began blogging about her life and reading it brought me joy.

here we go.

isn't our God incredible?