letter fifteen

This might not be a letter, but it's the words of my heart right now.

I refuse to be quiet.

I refuse to take my time for granted.

I refuse to let my joy be taken from me.

I refuse to let others dictate my heart.

I refuse to look back with regret.

I refuse to be held back from what i desire.

I'm growing.

I'm being stretched.

I'm called out of my comfort zone.

I'm my own person.

I know what I want and I wont settle anymore.

I'm okay with not being loved in this world because I know that I am loved by Someone bigger.

I've been taught so much about perspective in the last 6 months. I've been broken and defeated, desperate on my knees, only to have the Lord give me a big fat slap in the face of perspective. Realizing that what I mourn for is selfish and incomplete. When i step back and understand this world and my place in it as a complete tool and servanthood for my God, what else matters? The people around me will fall away and the things I consider dear might not last, but in eternity I will be fulfilled. I can't even begin to explain the ways I have changed during this last year, from the best and worst of experiences. I know that when I wake up every morning and feel like I have no constant, it doesn't matter because this world doesn't matter. I want to love others like I am called to, I want to live my life worthy of my Savior, and I feel like He is dragging me closer to the point of willingness to let everything else in my life go to make that happen. Revealing my dependencies and lack of trust, I have no choice but to cling to Him. How beautiful is that moment when the desperation clears, and I realize that I have no desire to return to what I once considered my rocks. He is enough. I love the change, and I embrace the person He is making me to be, because I know that it is more of a reflection of Him than when I try on my own.

I'm ready to be taken into this world, leaving behind what it offers, and chasing something Better.