letter fifteen

This might not be a letter, but it's the words of my heart right now.

I refuse to be quiet.

I refuse to take my time for granted.

I refuse to let my joy be taken from me.

I refuse to let others dictate my heart.

I refuse to look back with regret.

I refuse to be held back from what i desire.

I'm growing.

I'm being stretched.

I'm called out of my comfort zone.

I'm my own person.

I know what I want and I wont settle anymore.

I'm okay with not being loved in this world because I know that I am loved by Someone bigger.

I've been taught so much about perspective in the last 6 months. I've been broken and defeated, desperate on my knees, only to have the Lord give me a big fat slap in the face of perspective. Realizing that what I mourn for is selfish and incomplete. When i step back and understand this world and my place in it as a complete tool and servanthood for my God, what else matters? The people around me will fall away and the things I consider dear might not last, but in eternity I will be fulfilled. I can't even begin to explain the ways I have changed during this last year, from the best and worst of experiences. I know that when I wake up every morning and feel like I have no constant, it doesn't matter because this world doesn't matter. I want to love others like I am called to, I want to live my life worthy of my Savior, and I feel like He is dragging me closer to the point of willingness to let everything else in my life go to make that happen. Revealing my dependencies and lack of trust, I have no choice but to cling to Him. How beautiful is that moment when the desperation clears, and I realize that I have no desire to return to what I once considered my rocks. He is enough. I love the change, and I embrace the person He is making me to be, because I know that it is more of a reflection of Him than when I try on my own.

I'm ready to be taken into this world, leaving behind what it offers, and chasing something Better.

letter fourteen

Dear Roomie (Heather Tolleson)'s Future Husband: thanks for completely making my day

http://www.todaysbigthing.com/music/2010/11/11

letter thirteen

Dear Sweet Savior: Thank you for continuously reminding me of the prayers You have answered in my life, specifically in these last couple weeks. Every time I open my journal and read back through the pages, i am humbled and blessed beyond belief. Your grace and redemption is perfect. Teach me to be compassionate and reflective of your PERFECT love. Dear Ellie: Every time I call home and you answer "hey girlfrieeenddd" I laugh and have a wonderful day. You're a beautiful bundle of joy. Dear Leggings as Pants: I will never leave the house wearing you, but just between us you are suuuuper comfortable. Dear Christmas Crafts, Baking, and Apparel: HERE I COME. Dear Best Fran: I loved your hat today, you're precious. Dear Roomie: I love when you wear glasses just cause they're cute.

letter twelve

Dear Yesterday: You were by far the worst day I have had in LONG time. It's a funny story now, and I'm glad that Jesus gave me joy to laugh as things went wrong, but seriously let's not have it be that bad for a while k? Dear Rangers: It's time. Dear Finance Test: Prepare to get dominated tonight. Dear Mommy: Thank you for hanging out with me all day Saturday, I hope I can be as wonderful as you someday. It's such a blessing to have a mom that is first on my list to call everyday. I love you! Dear Semester: You're half over. ballin! Dear Jelly Bean: You're precious, and I love all your pictures and voicemails. This week i've been constantly reminded of the absolutely beautiful picture you are of how much Christ loves us. Can't believe it's been 6 years since I met you.

Where I will be hanging out all day studying:

letter eleven

Dear Friday: you are a breath of fresh air. Dear Mommy: you have no idea how excited i am that you are coming to hang out with me tomorrow. thanks for being the best in the world and answering your phone every day when i call. Dear Drama, Secrets, Gossip, Immaturity, and Selfishness: not to be harsh, but I'm freaking done playing your games. you will not control my world anymore. so sorry! Dear Future: I will not be scared of you. I will be myself, I will say what I think, I will love the things I love and be okay with that. I will know that my sweet Jesus is the only One in the world that will be with me forever no matter who or what I have to leave behind.

letter ten

Dear Absolutely Wonderful, Beautiful, Cool, Breezy Texas Weather: PLEASE stay forever. Dear Creepy Subway Worker: I know i've been there twice in the last week, but you reminding me that you remember every detail about what I was wearing last time completely weirds me out. Dear Savior: Most of my life consists of me feeling lost, broken, and clueless. It's refreshing to know that in You, I don't have to feel that way. Dear Papers: I'm going to just quit writing you soon, how bad can not graduating be? Dear Scary Movies: It's because of you that I have ran from my car to my front door every time I've gotten home after dark this week. I'm not sure why I continue watching you, but it probably won't stop. Dear Watermelon Sour Patch: Best. Snack. Ever.

letter nine

Dear Tests, Papers, Quizzes, and Presentations: I don't know if you are aware of this but you really are completely ruining my week, making me lose sleep, and causing me to not have any fun at all. Dear Handstands: Thanks for being a super awesome way to take a study break. Dear Sweet Jesus: I am so incredibly unworthy of everything You are to me, so thanks for being my best friend anyways. Help me to always speak up when I need to, kick my pride in the butt, and love others like You love us. Dear Wil Group: I can't wait for us all to be friends forever. I love you girls already. Dear Caffeine: Oh boy, we're gonna have a party these next few days.

letter eight

Dear Weekend: It really makes me sad how quickly you passed by, but thank you for providing me with lots of fun, laughter, friends, and smiles. Dear Peggy: I promise we'll hang out this week, Im sorry for neglecting you recently. Dear Anth 404: You are by far the most challenging class I've ever been a part of, but I really am excited about being challenged and learning to love people that are so obviously different from me. Dear Roommates: You are daily a source of joy and encouragement to me and I am constantly thanking the Lord for you in my life. Dear Jordan Walters: I miss you. Dear Father: Help me to stand out, to be different, to live for the desires of Your heart and not the desires of this world. It is a daily struggle for me to put Your plans above my own, but I want to live by faith and continuously resting in the peace that comes with Your Truth.

letter seven

Dear Weather: I want to play in the rain! If you could make the tornadoes go away I would feel a lot more comfortable, k thanks. Dear School: I'm officially already tired of you. Dear Future WIL group: I'm really really really excited to meet you. Let's all be best friends k? Dear Youknowwho: I could really use a wish right now. Dear 7th and 8th grade FBC youth girls: You are all HILARIOUS. I want to hang out with you all the time. How you can be so immature and mature at the same time is still confusing me. Dear Savior: Once again you turned my suffering into joy and my mourning into dancing. I will forever praise you for the incredible Peace you bring.

letter six

Dear Beautiful Friend: our talk yesterday was such a blessing and joy to me. let's please please please have these more often. i need you in my life. Dear Rain: While i enjoy the fact that you make it not so darn hot in College Station, I do NOT enjoy the fact that you chose to play when I was riding my bike home. Dear Peggy: You're my favorite source of transportation. Dear LebronJamesEgo on Twitter: You make me laugh everyday. Dear Incredible Father: You're all I need.

letter five

Dear Joy of the Lord: thank you for being bigger than my insecurities. Dear Peace of our Savior: Thank you for comforting beyond my fears. Dear Grace of God: Thank you for being better than my mistakes and failures. Dear Sweet Jesus: thank you for loving me despite my brokenness, stupidity, high states of emotions, and attachment to this corrupted world. Dear Tomorrow: thank you for being a new day full of new life, surprises, stories, and friends... despite that fact that you happen to be a Monday.

letter four

Dear Friday: You're my favorite. Dear Texas A&M: Please consider re-paving all your roads, it would help us bike riders out considerably. Dear Friend: Thanks for cutting your mullet. Also, you make me laugh a lot. Friends forever? Dear Bedroom: Clean yourself fool. Dear National-Wear-Your-School-Colors Day: Sorry I missed the memo. Dear Jesus: I'm sorry that I choose to ignore you sometimes. Thanks for always being bigger and better than my pride and failures. I'm ready to be stretched, grown, changed, and challenged this semester.